Nothing Is Wasted With Him

There's something about writing on the front porch drinking my coffee and listening to roosters all around me cockadoodling. I prayed for this life y'all.

A life of peace, comfort, and safety........in a small town surrounded by farm animals, even if they aren't my own.

As I close my eyes to thank God, my heart fills with so much gratitude. I open them back up and a butterfly lands on the chair next to me. God is funny sometimes, isn't He? He sends us little notes of His love to remind us that He's watching us. He's with us. He sees us.

I'm thankful for this life I live. It truly is remarkable in the simplest ways. And where I see answered prayers every day in my life, not all my prayers have been answered. I thought I would have a house full of kids and in my older older years, have Christmases filled with many grandchildren around a beautiful Christmas tree. Since I was a little girl, I truly thought that's what my four walls would hold.

Here's the thing......in unanswered prayers, I never thought God would do what He has done. When we think of unanswered prayers, we think of heartache and broken dreams......and yes, there has been plenty of that. Don't get me wrong, this journey of infertility and pregnancy loss has been met with lots of tears and broken hearts. But unanswered prayers have brought me so much more goodness than brokenness. I've seen God in ways that I never would have had it not been for this suffering. Suffering is what ushered in healing I didn't even know I needed.

Here lately, I've been truly digging deep into my soul asking God what He wants from me. I live an extremely beautiful life with the most amazing husband who works so hard to make every dream of mine come true. I wanted to be a housewife who has the flexibility to write all day, he has given me that. Truly, any little thing my heart desires, my man makes happen. It's fascinating how loved I feel. I didn't know this kind of love or marriage existed.

For a while, I have felt that I haven't given my full potential, and that maybe I was disappointing God. Can you relate?

Over the past few months, I have started to get down on myself for "not being obedient". You see, God has been asking me to do something for Him for years, and that request required a healed heart. So, the past few years have been Him taking me on a the most magnificent journey of healing and growing. Not just from infertility or pregnancy loss, but from the past.

For a while, I started to let the enemy lie to me, telling me how behind I am on what God asked of me. I believed that lie for a while......Until my husband stopped me in my tracks and said, "but babe, you have been obedient. Don't you think a part of what He's asking you to do requires healing? Isn't that what the past couple of years has been for you?" And he's so right. The past few years haven't been wasted. Nothing is wasted with Christ.

There has been so much my heart and soul needed healing from. And not just to have peace within, but to be a better person. It's required me to look at myself in the mirror and truly see my own flaws. Healing allowed me to connect the dots as to why I had certain behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. Healing has allowed me to see how dangerous sin and disobedience can be. The enemy is out to kill, steal, and destroy and sometimes he does that so easily with one moment of fear or one moment of ego. Healing matters more than we will ever know.

What God is asking of me, also requires an amazing husband who offers not just a house but a home that's safe and peaceful. Husbands, let me speak to you for a moment. Sadly, we live in a world that is fallen. Some of us didn't have the best childhoods, fathers, mothers, or home life. When you get married, remember that. No, it wasn't your job to raise your wife, obviously, she is your wife and not your child. However, be the man that she didn't have growing up. Love your wife. Take care of your wife. Protect your wife. Guide your wife (and not because she is incapable of making her own choices, but because wisdom is found in you). We truly don't give men enough credit these days. Men really do have wisdom that us, women, do not have. And vice versa. That's why a good marriage sees and understands this magical balance of men and women wisdom. Things my husband sees, I don't. Things I point out, he never thought of. And it's a beautiful blend of both of us.

Wives, allow your husband to lead. Trust his judgement. Let him into your hopes and dreams. He can't keep you safe if you don't allow him to.

Onto why I'm even writing this blog......

Ladies, it's ok.

That's literally my point to this blog. Is to tell you, it's ok.

We feel drowned by ideas, goals, plans, dreams, LIFE......real LIFE happening. Husbands, kids, bills, home, pets, appointments......the list goes on and on.

It's ok if you need time to heal, grieve, take a breath. Nothing is wasted when you are living for Him.

Don't get caught up in the to-do list or keeping up with the Joneses. If you're feeling a little off kilter, set your compass back to Christ. It's easy to get off the right path when we are not focused on Him. I want to remind you today, turn back to Him. Point your heart back to Him. Nothing is wasted with Him. Nothing. But everything we do, must be for Him. Everything.

Not sure what you are doing or what to do next? Ask Him. Trust me, He will guide you. And don't get caught up in needing to understand His lessons or even what He is asking of you. Just do it. Even if it doesn't make sense. I've had to learn that lesson more times than I can count. Looking back over the last several years, I can see how God was preparing me through seasons that made very little sense at the time.

My social media space and my website spaces have gone through so many changes over the years. I've coached women to be virtual assistants. I've been a virtual assistant. I've worked in ministry. I've sold homemade baked bread. I've reviewed books. I've coached women through pregnancy loss. I've been a pageant queen. I've hosted a radio and tv show. I've wanted to help authors launch books. I've done SO MUCH in this little corner of the internet. Like, SO MUCH y'all!!!

It's not been wasted. None of it. I've learned from each season in my life. I don't regret any of it. Mostly because through it all, I truly have kept Christ the center. He's always been my compass. And He's had a reason for each shift. Sometimes, it was just to meet ONE person and then, bam, that door is shut and I'm moving on to the next thing. None of it has made sense to me, but He's known what He's doing all along, and I trust Him.

Spoiler alert, I find myself at another pivot. A pivot I've actually known was coming years ago when God asked me to pick something up for Him. I still don't know what it looks like, to be honest. That's how I know it's Him. This isn't a desire of mine at all. It actually scares me. It will require a vulnerability that I tucked away years ago and wanted to keep it tucked away. At first, I was loud and proud about my struggles with infertility.......but then people happened. Humans happened. I realized empathy wasn't as common in everybody as I thought it was and not all sisters in Christ really are sisters in Christ. That sounds harsh, but that's my experience. My lack of children and being able to birth a child has been mocked. I've been mocked. I've had women shame me with words and actions that truly are heartbreaking.

I don't subscribe to the "words will never hurt me" theory......words have power. It's biblical. Proverbs 18:21, which says: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

I forgive them and pray for God, in His own way, to correct them and heal them. Only a woman unhealed would purposely try and hurt a woman who is barren or who is experiencing the loss of a baby.

Because of this, I tucked away the pain and didn't let many people in with this specific topic. I had to really really trust someone to talk to them about it. Even then, I would end up getting my heart broken.......even when I was selective.

So, what God is asking me to do. It terrifies me. But so much over the past few years makes sense to me now. He's so good. For years I thought God was simply helping me heal. What I didn't realize was that He was also preparing me to share that same miraculous healing with others.

Which brings me to the book...... I haven't been disciplined in my writing. I recently started reviewing a friend's book that will be launching out into the world soon and his words have motivated me to be obedient to the calling of writing again. Shout out to Ross if you are reading this.

God placed a book on my heart many years ago. The first draft has been sitting on this very computer for ages. I've dabbled in it and updated it from time to time but, I'm ready. I'm ready to put in the final edits. I'm ready to add in more of my story and what God has truly done in my heart. I'm scared, but God has been speaking to me so vividly lately, that I know I must be obedient. Even if the book only reaches one woman, it will be worth it.

There's so much more to say here. God wants to use my pain and my loss and my unanswered prayers for HIS glory in several ways, not just a book. The past few years haven't been wasted. He made space and room for me to heal so that I can answer the call.

I'm ready Lord.......send me.